He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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