after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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