I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
false alarm. still invincible.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
