We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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