After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
