At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
