I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
