just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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