Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
