My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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