i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
