Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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