I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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