Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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