People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
