I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
