He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
