I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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