i already hear my dad disowning me
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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