Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
