I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
