If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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