she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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