i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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