Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
