I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Randomize