At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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