Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
