WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
