I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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