Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
