are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Mom said you looked used
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
