How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
