he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
