My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
