Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
