it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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