he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
