true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
