Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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