I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
