My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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