Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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