I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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