I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
