ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
