I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
