he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize