I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
