When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
