whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
