Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize