The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Randomize
