Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
