We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
